THEN I SAID

She insisted we take the picture the way she wanted it. And I yelled no: you’re not our boss. That’s when the bus woke me up and I realized how insanely tired I was, forgetting to call the romantic and call off the appointment; that’s gonna cost me dearly. Some days the coffee is not as hot. This puzzles me. The door-bell rang. I ignored it. On the way to the station I walked past the same old man and the same old woman, they thought: here comes the same young man, thinking there goes the same old people. What a waste of time. Hint: look at someone’s hands to determine their age. Only four weeks til Christmas, must remember.

A mix for the messed up and otherwise brilliant people:

Ryan Adams: So Alive
My Morning Jacket: The Way That He sings
The Tyde: Go Ask Yer Dad
The Shins: Pink Bullets
Richard Buckner: A Chance Counsel
The Tragically Hip: Ahead By A Century
American Music Club: Another Morning
Uncle Tupelo: Still Be Around
Death Cab For Cutie: Title And Registration
Tori Amos: A Sort Of Fairytale
Lucinda Williams: Righteously
Whiskeytown: Sit And Listen To The Rain
REM: Electron Blue
Neil Diamond: September Morn
Aimee Mann: Humpty Dumpty
Ryan Adams: This House Is Not for Sale
Modest Mouse: Float On

It felt like an elevator coasting in my guts/the brakes grinding sparks/something to eat perhaps to chew/the deep breath the light crashing at you
curled up like a hollow tree you asked/when will I be able to/bite my cheek/throw that pillow/take this/sit down

through the chimney/whoa/new haircut/new friend/knuckle sore
/pretty please/my matinee is late and neither of us care

My first drink was probably milk. I’ve put it aside by now
with my ice skates and arrows. Now the first drink is more prosaic
and leads me to think I’m oh so strong. I know the feeling
In new shoes I can do anything. Drift away like a wet dog
before the bed tosses and turns me out. It always does that
and it’s one of those things you just accept. On my way to the shop
I remember my dream. I’ll have the paper please
and no looking at meteors. Here’s looking at the pavement
and seeing a patent. I don’t always know what I’m feeling
yesterday at the party and today the temperature is fine
I’ll have two eggs on toast and no bacon

Hey, won’t you stay
a few minutes
before we part
there’s something
I’d like to say
forever is what it seems
I’m caught in this
forever is what it seems

She stayed and we both looked into the distant July
This was the second act
I think she took my hand I can’t remember now
What for
I don’t know. The slanted palms were quiet
She turned towards me I believe, leaning back against the door
That’s when I looked at her the last time

there’s something
forever is what it seems
there’s something
forever is what it seems
and slowly it started to wean

She’s looking good for work in my heart
and there is no describing the time or the place to meet
I’m walking the streets of perfume
over to your house. I wanna laugh
and maybe read you a little somethin’
maybe sit down in the deeper chair, close to the stereo
where someone’s sun is setting the agenda
a red moment arrives
your carpet has been cleaned
Is somebody calling?
Touch my shoulder and talk to me
like a slide guitar

The Arcade Fire
two words: go listen (thanks Haavard)
(and then read)
Richard Buckner
(forever searching for that aching guitar)
Death Cab For Cutie
(old hat by now, but still last year’s blinder)

try assemble parts in a room that doesn’t lock
attaching one to another
in a maze of potential solutions
history might say: don’t count on me to do the right thing
It should cheer up. It really should

A bear walks into the hospital
The valley is on fire
New all KNew everywhere
Try to find. And then try to settle
I’m unsatisfied. I travel back

My clothes are not like yours, but I used
to take yours before, a little you
a little me walking down the road

Your hands used to smell of soap
and your ring had soap on it sometimes
I remember well those strong hands

And your clothes had holes you didn’t care
about that, your hair in curls like mine
dropping your bags on the platform

holding me up, swirling me around
putting me down
and holding my hand

I have trouble understanding why
you came to see me and didn’t look at me
not even once with the same eyes
and those lies you told to lighten my heart

It’s not that I miss you, no
but I see you all the time, shuffling in your office
smiling at my ghost behind the curtain
you don’t know

But it is me alright, silent and stupid
watching you pull your duvet aside
sitting at your dresser, not in love
but sleepy

and yawning as you switch the TV
to news, what’s that on your shoulder
do you have to sleep with clothes on?
I know, it’s none of my business

One sentimental anecdote. Codeine
Phosphate leave stones unturned
and the taste of tangerine

to fight it out. All I remember is nodding off
and nodding off ad infinitum
and no taste of saccharine

can remove the salty afterglow. The dead seal
seemed so misplaced and still I
got in

to a fight with you. No, not a real
one, but the kind that
lingers like amphetamine

What feelings can’t remain?
the life I choose, oh
some say: There is a home
others say: how was your weekend?
none of these start to bridge
running and writing, reading the entire day

What feelings remain?
For you I could lie more truthfully
about these things, you believe to readily
that liking and liking too much are antagonistic
we all know you’re wrong
I like way over my head and look at me

What feelings?
really none of your business except
listen carefully when you’re supposed to be sleeping
one eye on and one eye alone
You should see my way more often
It would do you good
no, really

I wonder what songs I’ll be capable of singing
who’s to say when it’ll even happen
musically speaking it’s a stretch but
today the powers are uninspired and
the dopamine of time
pours it’s hours over me
still, flat, receiving, languid like a dental dream

Looking at the situation my hands
they want what’s theirs
and so do I, smilingly
I read about you and I dreamt about you
watching you from my vanishing point at the edge of thirteen
that’s when I new
some time ago now
that what I saw and what I took for granted
was rapidly receding

I called my good friend up, trying to avoid the
scorching sun, the phone booth by the air and water
This is it, I told him, and he understood
I knew he would. How’s your daughter?

The Gold Bluffs, I don’t know how to say this
and we didn’t, me going north and he staying north
please Eureka
I need new tires
around the bend in imagination
I can’t match anyone’s name
to the sound of deer grazing

The door slammed shut followed by a cloud of strong blue smoke, standing up
into the branches of pines above keeping the shade
like a cloth to my eyes this morning
why so serious I felt
the question was appropriate

There was no keeping from going and no reason to leave
so grave and weighed
for no apparent purpose
there were three things keeping hope
alive and well, friendly
one red hat and one red pair of shorts and time
on my hand

Little by little or bit by bit, either or
It dawned in a dreamless fashion covering nothing substantial to
don’t mind
and you now what it was easy

Where I grew up there was little in the way of
distraction. The Birch trees, stubborn and boring
I never liked them, reminded me of nothing
Only small ragged leaves, brushing
against each other. Out there in the cold mountain air
and when they fell, covering the ground, that’s when they where
most beautiful
between blueberries
but they left the trees more sullen than before

Not far from the house someone I didn’t know
was breeding fish in large tanks of water
and behind the house containing the tanks
stood great flowers, I never knew what they were called
what a smell inside
We walked up the hill behind and lay in the long grass
split-peas from the kitchen in our pockets
dismantled coat hangers in our hands
Phling Phling
The split-peas singing against
windshields

London seems to be growing or at least
It’s pretty clear
the tube gets better
the buses run better
The tourists look better
even the weather seems better
No fog rubbing up against windowpanes
as if that ever happened
No smoke against them either
Not that I can see

The rudeboys are better
rubbing up against whatever they find
Rudegirls are more
informed?
I don’t know
Tv still reassuringly shit
some videos still left
Pints are flat
somewhere in North London
tires are flat
you’re a molecule fat

To keep an index of more or less important moments:
a phenomenology of neurological imbalances and consequent unease
ok I’m starting now: Interestingly someone started drilling the wall next door just as I woke up. It was already late in the day. For instance, the cats had settled down after fighting all night. They barely noticed me as I came into the room.

I forget things, all the time. It’s as if I forget for a living. I thought forgetting was supposed to be nothing, but it’s actually something. The coat was ready. Very nice. The arms no longer too long, but just right. One for the scoreboard.

I forgot where the barbershop was. One in the sack, behind my back. One all at this point. I found it though, and some celebrity kept being bothered by the staff. I thought: phew and felt very sleepy. Nice cold day. Nescafe. Question for ya: do you like dogs, and if so, what kind? Let us go then, you and I.

The top of the roof
of course, Wild Turkey and the sun
a distant likable fellow
like the people on the street below
the day that the music died
No, the day that we saw the Empire State
and talked about people in prison
honky tonk
where are we going? To town you fool
but first over Washington Bridge
in our minds
hand in hand with beautiful ladies
and then returning
boisterous and proud
too cocky for everyone else
but us
hello cab you orison
of transportation
take us everywhere and here

On the fifth floor stands a wireless router. That’s good. Buss number 8 is not a good option from Hackney to Victoria, much too touristy. Impressions of Remembrance Day (slapdash-style):
103: chiselled suits on chiselled men
102: beautiful sunshine through some trees near Westminster Abbey
105: The light makes everyone dignified
1029: really?
111: bagpipe makes me shiver, always
130: played by bearded corpulent man
101: for a while I was listening to Wilco, Big Ben blending in
&*^$: but then I thought about it and turned it off
100: the glorious dead

I’m tired of trying not to be
sincere
Or was it the other way
anyway
there’s no back to back anymore
that’s for certain

somewhere it slipped
out of reach
Or mixed itself into
everything
I would like some categories
established

suggestion: a map
of obstacles
some generous flavours
good hours slept
cups of coffee
sipped and left

The sky wanted to have its say
it decided grey, covering, no letter
who was I to discuss
barely two feet out of the tube
no I didn’t have the power

so the library, they let me in
“take a look and reminisce”
five emails one year old:
“I wanna run down the line”
she told me and see
you every time
I put down the receiver

My old friend would agree
you’re nothing new to me
and your emails ring like
sectrets on the wire
zeros and ones
they move me
little beyond
the stench of my own
bathing shorts kept too long in a plastic bag

My soul on a ticket
to present me
at a conference

I’m not with it

I’m at the table
leaving tomorrow

It’s such a mystery
so short
the sauce melts
into the fat
and we toast the chef
Do all you want to do
make your own tomatoes
grow them

one and a half year
hiatus
London bloody London
you look right
when I look left

No one has the same voice
did you know?
no one with the same nose either
it’s a fact (you might have known)
the sounds we make as we speak

Dear America
I know two of you
so don’t be disheartened
long soft shore
don’t

There are certain things
I must deal with
I’m not sure at all
but there’s a nagging
constantly

There’s someone
I want to see
I’m not sure I should
But it keeps this
stream of words from drying up

I once heard a story about a man, who fell in love with music. Lucky he, who’s object of desire was such a faithful thing. For who’s ever heard of a long-distance relationship to tones, riffs, beats and undulations?

A list compiled in the memory of the man who fell in love with music:

Megadeth: The System Has Failed
Wilco: Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
The Walkmen: Bows and Arrows
My Morning Jacket: At Dawn
Bonnie Prince Billy: Master and Everyone*
Alice in Chains: Facelift
Tori Amos: Scarlett’s Walk
Graham Coxon: Happiness in Magazines
The Tyde: Twice
Pete Yorn: Day I forgot

(*constancy in love is a joke)

He lifted his head from the book, looked at the picture on the desk and sighed. From the kitchen downstairs the sounds of the early evening reached his study. They distracted him. Bottles being opened, chit-chat, laughter.

The smell of perfume followed the staircase to his room, a breeze above the mundane. Visitors: his aunt, his sister, his mother. Friday evening with the promise of gossip; tall tales and upbeat faces. Friday night, early still, and expectation and restlessness overpowering him.

He put his head back down to the book, determined to win, but he knew he was losing, and so he would soon open the door, descend the stairs and join his family. Another weekend in the making.

They were sitting on a makeshift raft
bloody and hypothermic
father and son, the uncle still in the water
the father fat and the son skinny
shaking afraid
only two miles from shore
one man short

there is much love in such a sight
but note
that there isn’t enough
going around

What was their ending like?
I saw them hoisted into the helicopter
the son first followed by his father
this was the middle of the day
sun shining endlessly still
the breeze was up and augmenting

The first Mammals walked or crawled the earth, small, at night
over 206 million years ago.
This was the end of Trias, hundred million years before
Dinosaurs

Cetaceans Mysticeti: Balaenoptra musculus
Giant Sequoia
Lady Bird Johnson Grove
underneath the canopy of burned and hollow
keepers of faith:
Rhododendron petals

The diversity of marine mammals
how many leaves to a pint of breath?
Cars with CD players, engines turned off
in the afternoon glow of the parking lot

The Northern Right-whale Dolphin has no dorsal fin
I wonder who’s lurking in the shadows now
too scared to be taxonomized

Hey, do you want this picture?
your grandfather painted it
it’s the Haymarket
seen from the south
sometime in the fifties
yes
it’s good
and here are some photos
none after 73
that’s when your grandmother died

What do you think?
It’s a nice sound
made in1829
I’ll have to put my name on it now
It feels different doesn’t it?
very different

Let’s have lunch
I bought this yesterday
it’s good
I’ll have to hang this here
We’ll see
I might change it around
What do you think?

Hold on this might be too heavy
on the one hand you’re alive
in the other lies the burden of forgiving
I got taken
someone took me
by surprise
And now that I think about it
will it ever be part of the real life
I guess something must occupy
Space
so why not this

1. If you’re only going out for a little while, don’t wear too many layers.
2. Spend some time thinking about how you would do if someone asked you to ………….
3. What if you had to work as a ………….
4. some say life is like a dream, discuss.
5. doing research on the nature of identity, I discovered
6. Someone told me to forget your number
7. the jokes
8. Your ass against my thigh
9. and my jacket, last night, some beer was
10. I really should think about setting this straight
11. then again
12. I can’t seem to get worked up about
13. The Election
14. The Game
15. In between now and 5 o’clock
16. I’ll be on my bike
17. The traffic won’t be too bad/mad
18. I will make dinner
19. About what time
20. computers hum
21. I wasn’t able to knock him out

Let’s put it this way
from Eagle Rock to Echo Park
is fully abstract on the face of it
21 degrees Celcius
70 something Farenheit
the paper tells me

I pace myself

no point overdoing
anything when you’re
wearing woollen socks
and a pair of shorts
commando
It’s pouring down outside
The wind
you should have seen it
hurrying along in a car
leaves trampled underwheel

What was that on the stereo?
The Decline of British Sea Power